alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
