I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
