i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
