i may or may not be watching the land before time
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
