I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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