The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
