matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
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We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How drunk are you?
Completed.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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