I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
