Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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