im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
two words: eviction party
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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