If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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