whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
