I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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