I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
