I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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