My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
