we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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