my phone needs a breathalizer
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
