I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
