so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
