if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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