as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
