Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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