funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
