marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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