Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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