I accidentally burped into my bong.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
