made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There r osticjed everywhere
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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