just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
