He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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