I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You may now shotgun with the bride
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
