I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
