The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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