This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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