I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
