why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
