I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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