You're my little dorito
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
