You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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