The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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