i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
