My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I think we might need a safe word for this...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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