Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
