It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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