Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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