Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
