I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
