The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
