i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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