when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
nutella sex= disaster
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Vodka?
Forever.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
