The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
