I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
