I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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