that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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