Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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